Detox

A few days into the detox now.  My self removal from all social networking aside, this detox is purely a 
physical one, with health benefits being the desired result.  Despite this, the majority of the effects I have experienced thus far seem to be more on an emotional level.  I don't think I have truly slept for three days now.  And in the wee hours of the morning, during my unsuccessful attempts to capture an ever escaping slumber, I am bombarded with every possible memory my brain could hold.  This is how it seems at least.  Although, something tells me there is still much more buried way deep down inside.  Before I began this detox I had already been contemplating my memories and how they always seem to be the same ones playing in rotation in my mind.  I was wondering if it is like this for everyone.  I found myself hoping for some new memories to surface.  I mean, where is the record of all the life I have lived up to this point?  How come my brain chooses to focus on the same ones all the time?  Is this some God given protection mechanism that most of us are born with to keep us from truly losing it? To keep us ever moving forward?  Because remembering EVERYTHING would be way too overwhelming or maybe a little bit discouraging?  Food for thought.  Though these new memories I am suddenly being graced with do not seem to be sending me over the edge, they are definitely stirring up feelings that were previously lying dormant.  Memories have been playing like a movie in my mind: tiny glimpses of me at different times in my life, from childhood to the present. Glimpses that have caused me to come to a new revelation.  A realization that, while not entirely surprising, has definitely proven to be eye opening.  The big revelation?  I have been scared for most of my life.  Scared of loss.  Scared of being out of control.  Scared of experiencing hurt and pain. Scared of failure. And I have lived my life accordingly.  I have tried to remain in complete control, keep myself at a safe distance most of the time, not try to do too much or let too many in.  However, due to the fact that I am human and live in this world, and that I most definitely do not control anything, I still experience most of the things I try to protect myself from.  Experiencing them, I believe, to an even greater degree because of the imagined fears swimming around my head.  What a sad and disheartening realization.  But, silver lining time: I do remain hopeful and believe that the decision to detox and subsequent mind awakening has happened for a reason.  And that this newly shed light will work for me and not against.  I believe that one day I will be able to truly live in a continual state of inner peace, and finally obtain a type of freedom from the one that I need it from the most...myself.